What is the cause of the high divorce rate?

[Dana]

• Marriage requires large changes to your expectations and priorities.  People in their 20s are far more flexible than people in their 30s.  In your 30s you start off with more of the wrong habits (see bullets above), and are less able to change.

      I can't speak about 30-year-olds, but I think you're giving 20-somethings a lot of credit. I know two couples who are divorced and aren't 30 yet. In one of these cases, the couple were best friends for years, decided to marry, and then got divorced in less than a year. Now they're back to being best friends and do a whole lot of stuff together, and still have a lot of affection for each other... Marriage just wasn't the answer. It's a huge adjustment.

[Redbeard]

Marriage just wasn't the answer. It's a huge adjustment.

I didn't intend to argue that adjustment to marriage is easy.  In fact, I'm arguing exactly the opposite.  I'm not aware of any psychologists who argue that major lifestyle changes get easier as you get older.  By the same token, the military prefers young recruits so they can more easily mold their minds.  None of this is to say that everyone in their 20s is ready to get married, or that people can't change their mindsets, habits, etc much later in life.  People can always change so long as they are still alive.  But it does get harder.

[Dana]

People can always change so long as they are still alive.  But it does get harder.

      The question, therefore, is whether it's easier to adjust when you're older and know what you're adjusting to (but less able to adjust), or younger and are armed with all the enthusiasm that youth brings (but you often have no idea what you're getting into). Either decision carries risks, and I guess it depends on the person.

[Dana]

And, of course, we're all talking like the timing is something that we have control over

[Redbeard]

And, of course, we're all talking like the timing is something that we have control over

Very true.  But this is my point on the problem with telling people to "Wait until you are 30 to think about it".  Given the biological reality (especially for women), this is a bit like telling someone to wait until the last minute to leave for the airport;  there is no margin for error.  I know people who waited until their 30s and everything worked just fine.  But I've seen others watch their options disappear in a way they never anticipated.  I think the advice is especially problematic because when you are in your 20s you already think you have all the time in the world.  Only after the fact do you recognize how quickly time passes by. 

[Redbeard]

In one of these cases, the couple were best friends for years, decided to marry, and then got divorced in less than a year. Now they're back to being best friends and do a whole lot of stuff together, and still have a lot of affection for each other...

BTW, tell your friend to stop chasing her and find someone else.  She isn't going to change her mind.

[Dana]

      That was my first impression to, but I think that in this case, it actually is a mutual desire to like each other and never ever under any circumstances live together.

[karlhenning]

      I can't speak about 30-year-olds, but I think you're giving 20-somethings a lot of credit. I know two couples who are divorced and aren't 30 yet. In one of these cases, the couple were best friends for years, decided to marry, and then got divorced in less than a year. Now they're back to being best friends and do a whole lot of stuff together, and still have a lot of affection for each other... Marriage just wasn't the answer. It's a huge adjustment.

And the king and the queen went back to the green,
But you can never go back there again . . . .

[Mirror Image]

Q: What is the cause of the high divorce rate?

A: I'm not married and never have been married, but I grew up with two great parents who have now been married for 40 years. Americans' ideas today of marriage are totally different than they were 40 years ago obviously, but I think people are way too sensitive these days. People get into one little argument and they want a divorce or they simply just get "tired" of their spouse after so many years. Most people today don't know what truelove is and if they do, then they're one of the few that are blessed.

[MishaK]

Q: What is the cause of the high divorce rate?

A: I'm not married and never have been married, but I grew up with two great parents who have now been married for 40 years. Americans' ideas today of marriage are totally different than they were 40 years ago obviously, but I think people are way too sensitive these days. People get into one little argument and they want a divorce or they simply just get "tired" of their spouse after so many years. Most people today don't know what truelove is and if they do, then they're one of the few that are blessed.

A lot of platitudes along the lines of "it was all better in the golden days gone by." You can't look into the collective minds of millions of people and simplify their attitudes to such extent. Why dig up this silly thread? What throws the statistics off IMHO is that most people who divorce once will divorce again. The divorce rates for second and third marriages are much higher than for first marriages.

[mahler10th]

A lot of platitudes along the lines of "it was all better in the golden days gone by." You can't look into the collective minds of millions of people and simplify their attitudes to such extent. Why dig up this silly thread? What throws the statistics off IMHO is that most people who divorce once will divorce again. The divorce rates for second and third marriages are much higher than for first marriages.

For many reasons, spiritual and practical, I do not believe people should get 'married' at all, (whilst without a doubt holding high regard for those who have made their marriage last - they didn't need to marry though, it was always going to be there)...  When the one to love arrives in your life, you know soon enough.  Obligations and metaphysical vows are not necessary in love.  Love takes care of these things itself.  A promise in private and in depth about the giving of ones self is all thats necessary, but such promises come about through the nature of true love anyway.  Real love does not need pieces of paper and ceremonies to verify it.  It is a ceremony in life itself.
The reason for so many Divorces is twofold.
1.  People get married.   
2.  People have a shallow society understanding of the nature of real love.
I have been married once.  I still talk to my ex-wife, but our spirits no longer connect.
I have been in love once, (but not to the person I married).  Dreadfully so.  But that love was only one way, and I was under no illusions to that.
And I love Beethoven.
That is why I believe what I do.   

[MishaK]

For many reasons, spiritual and practical, I do not believe people should get 'married' at all, (whilst without a doubt holding high regard for those who have made their marriage last - they didn't need to marry though, it was always going to be there)... 

But it sure is nice to get the tax and legal benefits of marriage. And be honest: a wedding is a wonderful event if you have the right guest list.

[Bulldog]

For many reasons, spiritual and practical, I do not believe people should get 'married' at all, (whilst without a doubt holding high regard for those who have made their marriage last - they didn't need to marry though, it was always going to be there)...  When the one to love arrives in your life, you know soon enough.  Obligations and metaphysical vows are not necessary in love.  Love takes care of these things itself.  A promise in private and in depth about the giving of ones self is all thats necessary, but such promises come about through the nature of true love anyway.  Real love does not need pieces of paper and ceremonies to verify it.  It is a ceremony in life itself.
The reason for so many Divorces is twofold.
1.  People get married.   
2.  People have a shallow society understanding of the nature of real love.
I have been married once.  I still talk to my ex-wife, but our spirits no longer connect.
I have been in love once, (but not to the person I married). 

I always find it amusing when a person who has failed in marriage offers his views why folks should not get married.  Your basic mistake was entering a loveless marriage.  Why did you do that?

[Scarpia]

For many reasons, spiritual and practical, I do not believe people should get 'married' at all, (whilst without a doubt holding high regard for those who have made their marriage last - they didn't need to marry though, it was always going to be there)...  When the one to love arrives in your life, you know soon enough.  Obligations and metaphysical vows are not necessary in love.  Love takes care of these things itself.  A promise in private and in depth about the giving of ones self is all thats necessary, but such promises come about through the nature of true love anyway.  Real love does not need pieces of paper and ceremonies to verify it.  It is a ceremony in life itself.
The reason for so many Divorces is twofold.
1.  People get married.   
2.  People have a shallow society understanding of the nature of real love.
I have been married once.  I still talk to my ex-wife, but our spirits no longer connect.
I have been in love once, (but not to the person I married).  Dreadfully so.  But that love was only one way, and I was under no illusions to that.
And I love Beethoven.
That is why I believe what I do.   

If you do find true love, getting married certainly solves certain practical problems regarding disposition of property, inheritance, custody and guardianship of children, etc.

Beyond that, marriage provides a milestone in a relationship, where the two people involved declare to themselves and to each other that they are ready to make the ultimate commitment. 

Many people get married for the wrong reasons, and always have.  I suspect one factor in the increase in divorce rate is the fact that people, particularly women, have more economic and social freedom than in the past.

[Bulldog]

If you do find true love, getting married certainly solves certain practical problems regarding disposition of property, inheritance, custody and guardianship of children, etc.

Beyond that, marriage provides a milestone in a relationship, where the two people involved declare to themselves and to each other that they are ready to make the ultimate commitment.

Well put, and I'd say that the "ultimate commitment" is what marriage is all about.  Folks who are in love but do not make the ultimate commitment are little chickens.

[Todd]

I do not believe people should get 'married' at all

Hmm.  A bit presumptuous and bitter?

[mahler10th]

I always find it amusing when a person who has failed in marriage offers his views why folks should not get married.  Your basic mistake was entering a loveless marriage.  Why did you do that?

Because for most of my life a shallow society understanding of the nature of real love was all I had.  I do not consider my only marriage a failure.  It was a tremendous teacher.

[Scarpia]

Because for most of my life a shallow society understanding of the nature of real love was all I had.  I do not consider my only marriage a failure.  It was a tremendous teacher.

I fail to see how this leads to your conclusion that people should not get married, full stop.

[mahler10th]

I fail to see how this leads to your conclusion that people should not get married, full stop.

It is not this which singularly leads me to the conclusion that people should not get married, full stop.  The reasons for not getting married belongs more to a different forum or a different thread.  From a purely statistical standpoint, not getting married means not getting divorced.

TODD:  Hmm.  A bit presumptuous and bitter?

Not presumptuous.  I have offered only my own observation and experience.  And you misspelled 'better'. 
I just think that society has so muddled its value systems, and Marriage, like square shaped houses, doesn't fit with the dynamics of the World, or the way the World has 'opened up'.   

[Todd]

Not presumptuous.  I have offered only my own observation and experience.

Yep, presumptuous.  Your experience is yours only and offers no real basis for suggesting what people "should" or "should not" do when it comes to relationships.