The Joke Thread

[George]

Very clever.   

Now I am really lost. 

[Scarpia]

Now I am really lost. 

Just pointing out, for the benefit of joke historians students of comparative joke literature, that your World cup joke is a variant on a traditional golf joke.   

[karlhenning]

Polyvalence in humor.

[lisa needs braces]

Discovered this one recently:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

[greg]

Discovered this one recently:

lol

[mikkeljs]

What fingerings does a black pianist use for a C major scale?

Doesn´t matter, because you should only use the white ones.

[lisa needs braces]

lol

It's an oldy, isn't it?

[greg]

It's an oldy, isn't it?

First time I've heard it, actually.

[lisa needs braces]

First time I've heard it, actually.

An interesting story behind the joke:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

[karlhenning]

Be gentle; don't make The Joke Thread into bashing religion.

(Just saying.)

[Superhorn]

    Definition of a psychiatrist: A talent scout for mental institutions.
     Did you hear about the Indian who drank so much tea he drowned in his tipi?
    Gynecologist to patient: At your cervix !
    Why did the English teacher get slapped in the face by a woman?
     He ended a sentence with a proposition !
     Forget the flag! Burn a politician !
     The IRS: They've got what it takes to take what you've got.
    Great bumper stickers: You ! Out of the gene pool !
     Jesus loves you. Every one else thinks you're an idiot.
     Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still a jerk.
   I refuse to do a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
     My wife's other car is a broomstick.
     I miss my wife, but my aim is improving.
      Never moon a werewolf !
      Opera singers do it on the high Cs.
     






                                                              
 
     

[karlhenning]

Imagine my surprise when I found that a lawyer joke which I must have told a dozen times appears in an early scene of Spielberg's Hook.

[greg]

This one I can mainly credit to my little brother, but I shaped it into a joke.

Q: What is different about some of the birthday cards you see in Kentucky?
A: They say, "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"

[Saul]

Brahms saying Guten Taag

http://www.youtube.com/v/odtqNoW1JE0&feature=related

[Superhorn]

  Why did the chicken cross the road?

  Plato: For the common good.

  Karl Marx: It was a historical necessity.

  Hippocrates: Becase of an excess of pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

  Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be
   discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid, as the authorial intent can never be discerned,and structuralism is dead.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the
road, but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to
contend with such a paragon of avian virtue. In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take !

Douglas Adams: 42.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the road,the road gazes back at you.

Oliver North: National security was at stake.

Ronald Reagan: I forgot !

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develope in such a fashion
that it would tend to cross roads,even while believing these actions  were of its own free will.

Jean Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural Gestalt  necessitated cross the road at this historical juncture.And therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrances into being.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Wittgenstein: The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects
chicken and road and circumstances came into being which caused
the actualization of this potential occurrance.

Charles Darwin: It was the logical next stepafter coming down
from the trees.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

The Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Epiciris: For fun.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It did not cross the road, it transcended it.

Howard Cosell: It may have very well been one of the most
astonishing events to grace the annals of history. Anheroic,unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such a herculean achievement formerly relegated to Homo Sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrance.

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe: The eternal hen principle made it do it.

Earnest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisneberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson: Cause it Bleepin' wanted to .That's the bleepin'
reason.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mark Twain: Reports of the chicken's crossing have been greatly exaggerated.

  YIKES !!!!!!

[Saul]

BECAUSE IT WANTED TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE...

I'm surprised that nobody has ever contemplated this most logical and reasonable solution to the problem...

[greg]

Either that, or it doesn't know what it wants, and was just walking around aimlessly. 

[Saul]

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"


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Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.


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Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.


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Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.


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Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.


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Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll


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Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!


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Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.


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Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.


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Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!


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Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.


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Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!


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Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!


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Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!


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Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!


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Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.


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Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.


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Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!


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Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

[Dancing Divertimentian]

The dumbest kid in the world.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

[Florestan]

The dumbest kid in the world.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

Great!