The Joke Thread

[Gurn Blanston]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But , 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the  Bullshit   and  Ass kissing  that will put you over the top.


And them's the facts of life, my friends.

[Superhorn]

  Christmas Carols For The Disturbed.

   Schizophrenics:  Do you hear what I hear?

   Multiple Personality Disorder: We three kings disoriented are.

   Dementia: I think I'll be home for Christmas.

   Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels sing about me.

   Paranoid: Santa Claus is coming to town to get me.

   Manic: Deck the halls and walls and lawn and streets and
   stores and office and town and cars and buses and trucks
   and trees and.....

   Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of roasting on an
   open fire.

   Personality Disorder: You better watch out ,I'm gonna cry,
   I'm gonna pout, maybe I'll tell you why.

   Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night-oooh look at
   the kitty- can I have a chocolate-why is France so far away?

   Obsessive compulsive disorder: Jingle bells,jingle bells.
   jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells, jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells, jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,
  jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells.......



   


                                                                                

[snyprrr]

http://www.youtube.com/v/VABSoHYQr6k

Wow, have you seen the video of the pope watching these topless acrobats? Cree-pee!!!

[Scarpia]

Wow, have you seen the video of the pope watching these topless acrobats? Cree-pee!!!

You seem to take pride in the fact that no one knows what you're talking about three quarters of the time.

[Superhorn]

  A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. An optimist thinks it's half full.
  A Republican thinks the glass is twice a big as it should be.

  A pessimist thinks that all women are bad. An optimist hopes they are !

  A penny saved is a government oversight !

  Never moon a werewolf.

  The only mental exercise most people gt is jumping to conclusions.

Always borrow money from pessimists,because they don't expect the money back.

  Have you heard about Jewish football? The object of the game is to get the quarter back. (I can tell Jewish jokes because I'm Jewish).

  Did you hear about the Jewish porno movie? It's called "Debbie Does Bupkis ".

  It's a typical Jewish porno movie. Five minutes of sex and 85 minutes of guilt.

  Did you hear about the spider's New Year's resolution?

   He wanted to spend more time with his family and less time on the web.




                                                                                 

[Satzaroo]

Against a strong wind, a schlemiel threw his wife's ashes into the sea: ash backwards once more.

[Satzaroo]

 Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the  Department of Homeland Security:
>
>
> Terrorist Plots  Discovered                    0
> Transvestites                                    133
> Hernias                                        1,485
> Hemorrhoid  Cases                        3,172
> Enlarged  Prostates                        8,249
> Breast  Implants                          59,350
> Natural  Blondes                                  3
>
>

[DavidRoss]

http://www.youtube.com/v/uH8owcMHc34&feature=channel

[Satzaroo]

Some puns--so punish me!

A movie buff might write Cinecerely yours.
Wounding insults could be called insalts.
A list of swear words might be cursory.
Some people are too finicky about the language in Huckleberry Finn.
Semi-automatics can be weapons of mass(acre) destruction.
A guy wearing gloves studded with razor-sharp needles spiked my attention.
Where did the superlative pianist first cut his ivories?
After my friend chided me for confusing capital with capitol, I said, "I capitulate."
What western is playing at the moovies?

[Gurn Blanston]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a beautiful young girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,  "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.   

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! So, why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"



----------------
Now playing:
Academy of Ancient Music / Schröder  Hogwood - K 320alt Symphony in D 2nd mvmt - Andantino

[Dancing Divertimentian]

LOL!! 

[Gurn Blanston]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!




----------------
Now playing:
Florilegium - Bach CPE Wq 132 Sonata in a for Solo Flute 3rd mvmt - Allegro

[Florestan]

ROTFL 

[Grazioso]

Demotivational posters:

[Grazioso]

http://www.youtube.com/v/IueXtzdC6kA

[MDL]

A paedophile is walking with a small boy deep into a forest. The boy whimpers, "I'm scared."
"You're scared?" says the paedo, "I'm the one that's got to walk out of here on my own."

[MDL]

You saw Blue Valentine too, huh?

Not yet; somebody who has seen it quoted this to brighten up a dull day at the office. 

[Grazioso]

Rodney Dangerfield, king of the one-liner:

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.  Now I drink in front of a mirror. 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.  That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

[Satzaroo]

Ah, the limitations of a spell checker: From MSNBC on-line today: "Jerusalem bomb kills one, inures dozens."  REALLY!!!!!

[Satzaroo]

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of the fly.

Lady who goes camping with some men must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who impulsively leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drives like hell is hellbound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is probably high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's fishing hole often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!